I’m Sorry.

You can only be as happy as your saddest child. This is something that sticks with me. This is why I feel my biggest job as a mother is to make sure I protect their happiness. A part of me feels as though I owe my kids an apology for not being able to completely shield them from this horrific world. I feel like I need to say I’m sorry for bringing them into a place that is filled with so much hate.

I’m Sorry.

The innocence of a child is one of the most beautiful possessions they bring into this world. Their ability to find happiness in almost any situation is what I try to protect most as a mother. I am fully aware that as they grow older they will become completely jaded by the harshness that is our world today.

Sometimes I catch myself getting upset at my children for always wanting/trying to play. I have to catch myself, take a step back, and ask myself “why am I upset at their joy”? Why would I want to stop them from having this happy moment?

I learned with my first son, Jayden, that the way a kid sees the world is nothing like we adults see it. There was a moment when I asked Jayden “why are you always trying to play”? And his answer was simple “I just want to have fun Mommy.” That’s it, that’s all they want. That’s all they know. My struggle is deciding when do I, as their mother, let them know that life isn’t all fun and games? When do I begin to show them the true scariness of this world? When do I begin to take away their innocence?

My parents never sheltered me as a child. They recognized my level of understanding, adjusted, and raised me accordingly. I am forever grateful for that. They allowed me to navigate through the world and learn for myself while always being there and helping me along the way. The lessons they taught me were blunt, honest, but always loving. Their willingness to allow me to be myself and learn for myself shaped me into the person I am today. Becoming a parent myself, I now see how hard that must have been. I am extremely hesitant to let my children go. I want to protect them from everything. I want them to never feel any hurt or any pain, but that’s just not realistic. The truth is, I have to let go and allow them to see this world for what is really is. As a mother, I just have to make sure I prepare them for what this world might throw at them.

My fear is that if I try and hold onto this innocence they posses too long they will become naive and unprepared. I don’t want to do them a disservice and emotionally stunt them or keep them from being able to cope with the realness of the world. Raising three boys I have to find the happy medium of giving them enough love to where they understand how to love and making them strong enough to not get eaten by the darkness they will face. Honestly, I just don’t want to screw them up.

I can’t help but feel truly sorry for bringing them into a world that hates them just for being themselves. I am truly sorry for having to explain to them that someone might want to hurt them just because of the color of their skin. I am truly sorry that they will experience the pain of someone close to them trying to bring them down because they appear to be doing better than them. No matter how trash this world is, I will do everything in my power to allow them to live a happy life, while still making sure they understand that everything won’t be perfect. I will not shield them or lie to them. I will do my best and do it with love.

– Mommy

2 thoughts on “I’m Sorry.

  1. I think that because all the positive influences in the name of relatives surrounding you, Ricky and the boys. YOU GOT THIS. Stay the course, God ‘s on Your side.

    Like

  2. Great….as they grow just know you did your best and they will at one point make their choices and and you know they will do the what you taught them
    TO BE HAPPY IN LIFE

    BE HAPPY

    Like

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